2024--A year of death

 Early in the year I had to put down Boo because her spinal problem had progressed.

Then a month later, Ginger had a steep decline that the vet thought was probably cancer or something fatal so it was finally time to put her down.

In July, Mom nearly died--should have if the hospital had cooperated--and ended up in a rehab center after a couple of weeks in the hospital. I had to quickly move up to TN  with my remaining animals and sell my house (the latter of which went very well). But poor Jasmine, who did very well with the transition generally, died of her kidney disease within 2 weeks of arriving.

Dad was in a rush to bring Mom home rather than being in the rehab center so I didn't have time to get myself settled or to close on my house before having the responsibility of having her home and dealing with Dad's dysfunctions with her home. Then in October, while Amy was visiting, we found out Al had died from COVID.

Mom died on hospice care on December 15th. Though she didn't have a lot of pain during most of her time at home, the final hours of her dying were not peaceful.

Amy had a friend die brutally, shot when trying to help someone she didn't know was violent who had been in an accident.

What a fucking year.

2023 to 2024 tarot reflection

 These questions were provided by Amy at Strength Reversed.

1. Card of the Year 2023: The card that sums up this past year. 

The Knight of Pentacles. I've made slow progress and it has been very much focused on work and physical environment.

2. Card of the Year 2024: The card that represents the upcoming New Year. 

The Knight of Cups. I would like to continue with movement, maybe a little faster but definitely more heart and nourishment focused.

3. The tarot practice or habit I'm leaving behind in 2024 

Regular reading. The only thing left of that is the weekly substack and I'm starting to regret that. Tarot just can't be a focus for now.

4. The tarot practice or habit I'm embracing in 2024. 

Keeping things easy and minimizing shuffling. Probably continuing to reduce the number of decks I have based on my physical ability to move them and shuffle them--and how much I use them. Some I like the idea of more than I actually use them (Fractal Tarot, both tree based decks). Decks that require reversals for a good reading must have very easy shuffling card stock. I'm increasingly getting impatient with having to find where a deck is. Maybe I need to try reorganizing the boxes first.

5. Decks going on hiatus in 2024. 

I won't know this until I do more evaluating. And then I will be giving away rather than putting something on hiatus.

6. Decks I'm welcoming in 2024: show off new decks or wish list decks. 

No particular goals in this regard. In 2023, I ended up getting 13 decks, mostly around my birthday and the months thereafter. I occasionally check my wishlist or publishers sites for sales but there's nothing I'm especially excited to acquire. When I feel the need for a little something new and curious, I'll select something from my wishlist.

7. The biggest tarot takeaway of 2023: a memorable lesson, fact, spread, or understanding. 

Shuffling less can still result in an accurate reading. Animist tarot readings can be interesting. Randomized deck combinations can be interesting.

8. Tarot plans for 2024: goals, resolutions, focuses for the New Year.

Reorganize my deck boxes and reassess which ones are most valuable to keep and "do no harm" or the least harm to my hands. Finish my randomized projects and read only when I feel moved to read. I don't need "priorities for the day." That being the case, should I keep those decks--or any decks that I had to create meanings for? Should I only keep easy readers? If I were to keep the decks that take up the least room, then I would be getting rid of all of the Llewelyns that are in big boxes but are also the easiest shufflers. So i need to create a criteria for keeping decks.

Family technology trials

When Zoom only half way worked on Xmas day, Amy stepped up and arranged a facebook facetime, which neither I nor Dad had ever done before. From there, I worked with Dad so that we could do facetime on our phones.

Mom did not remember that I'd cut my hair. Didn't remember the email even when reminded nor that I'd provided pictures along with it. I hadn't realized that I might be messing with her mind. She said I didn't look like the same person, which could be difficult for her at this stage in a way I hadn't considered.

Dad thinks that if my house sells without me having a place to live, that he can force a truce with Mom over my animals. I believe that might be true with the dogs, but I doubt it with my cats. And if there's an "emergency" regarding my animals, then I am also vulnerable. Dad says he can step up and be the leader. But I so rarely see him doing that that his declaration is not very believable. And I believe Mom would act out, maybe not at the dogs but at the cats. 

Also, Dad is not realistic about the dogs getting along. Zippy and Lucy would absolutely get into it in a horrible way. I'm increasingly ready to put Ginger down. I'm not ready to put Zippy down. And Dad hasn't seemed willing to put up a separate fenced area for the dogs. So if Zippy gets into it with Abby, then Boo will get involved, for better or worse. If it were just Boo and Abby, it would probably be alright.

I'm wondering if I can work something out with Ben, though it doesn't seem likely.

I finally had someone pick up the dresser w/shelf that's been on my porch for over a week. It was a man who wanted it for his teenage son and the boy seemed happy with it.

I took the hand truck out for them to use if they wanted and Boo got out. She went far enough afield that I lost sight of her for a while. I'm not up to chasing her so I just waited and checked periodically. She's chipped so I figured that would have to be her saving grace if it came down to it. She did eventually swing back around and came to me but didn't want to come inside. I let her stray and then come back to me a couple of times on the porch until she finally came in the house. She clearly doesn't let her neck stop her from running. Thankfully she didn't run into any trouble while on her frolic. I should take her into the back field some time. I've been thinking about it and they've now mowed it. So long as it's brisk, it shouldn't be too ticky.

 

Cats and new bed

 Jasmine didn't originally like the new bed, possibly the foam off-gassing put her off. Pooka took right to it. She's all for anything cozy. This evening, one day shy of when I set it up, Jasmine has decided it's okay and slept on it by herself for a while. A few days ago, she tried going under the covers but quickly decided she didn't like that. I think the way the foam warps doesn't allow her to rest against my body in a stable way. She has preferred being on top of me. Tonight, she settled at my feet for a bit before laying on top of me. It's easier for both cats to get on since there's no box spring.

Good-bye Rufus

 On Monday of this week (this being Friday), Jamie, Rufus's current owner, let me know that Rufus had bitten a male friend of hers on the face. On Tuesday I talked to her to better assess how serious the situation was. It was very serious, a level 4 bite to the man's nose while he was petting Rufus that required 10 stitches. I researched on youtube about dog bites and learned that if a dog does what Rufus did, it's an act of aggression not defensive or a warning. After realizing that, I could see no way to make taking him back work for me. I'm already missing two family holidays this year because I can't find someone to help with my pets. How could I ask someone to watch a big dog with a bite history? I couldn't. How do I ask a groomer to groom him even with a muzzle? I don't think he would accept a muzzle well. It would be an extra source of anxiety. I couldn't take him to live with parents. Both of their faces are at his level. Though I'm marginally better than when I let Rufus go, I'm just now, like in the last week, getting a grip on my home environment--and not completely at that. Re-introducing Rufus--even without the bite--would tip things back into a level of labor that I couldn't keep up with. 

And Jamie has two children. Though they're not always with her, muzzling Rufus will just agitate him when they're around. I've long had the attitude that if a dog bites, it should be put down and let a dog that doesn't bite fill that space in the home. I gave Jamie the support to put him down and she did this morning. 

Part of me was continuously second guessing myself and Jamie, but in the end we are two pet owners. We're not looking for dogs we have to continually be drill sergeants with or where we constantly have to be aware of potential triggers. Our pets are supposed to augment our lives not stress them continuously. Together we had done everything we could to help him overcome a bad start. It didn't work. 

Knowing that he is gone, the decision over, the deed done, leaves me with greater peace. Lots of regrets but there's nothing more that can be done. No more pets after this batch is gone. My mental and emotional health don't need the stress. I don't need the extra cleaning, decision-making, health management, purchases.

Another trial behind me

Today was the day that the full-sized bed left and I set up the new twin bed and mattress. My bedroom seems so much more spacious--partly because I moved some things out of it for the move. I woke up this morning feeling awful and having a twinge in my back but taking it slow in the morning sitting in the recliner seemed to have gotten rid of the twinge and I ended up with enough step-by-step gumption that I cleared the deck for the mattresses to be removed. It turns out the male part of the couple who came to pick it up was a former student. The new bed was fairly easy to put together, though it did take some time. The mushiness of the mattress doesn't initially impress me but I hope it's okay to sleep on--at least not worse than the other mattress. I haven't introduced the dogs and cats to it. I may have trouble keeping the dogs off of it. It will be much easier for the cats to get up on. In any case, I'm relieved to have had a day when I felt well enough to tackle such a big project.

In other news, I thought I had a potential pet helper but then saw he was picked up by Marshall Co Sheriff in April for failing to appear. Though I don't know what for, I've decided not to be curious and will just ignore the email he sent.

Getting rid and rearranging

I hate the trials of getting rid of big items. Today I thought I had someone picking up the dresser w/shelf. She was supposedly on her way but never showed up. This was through Facebook. In readiness I put the components on the porch, so now they're sitting there in the way of the people who were wanting to pick up the bed this weekend. I've given her till tomorrow noon to pick it up or I'm going on to the next person there are 2 more interested.

I've managed to get all of the big bins that were in my living room into other rooms. The moth ball one is out on the porch. I'm not sure if airing it will result in it being usable. I'm thinking of giving it to the recycling center. Last week I was finally able to dismantle the wheelbarrow that has been on the porch and put the bucket

I also moved the black shelves into the "office" to put my file boxes on, which has worked out well, so that room is also feeling more open--even though it's currently housing the mattress and frame waiting for my old bed to depart. 

The living room is feeling much more open even though I've got the recliner in there and the big corner desk (still waiting for me to organize the disability paperwork). Using my hand truck (which is how I moved the parts of the dresser), I moved some bins of books to the window where the black shelves had been and it works well while being less bulky. Once I get the corner desk out, I'll move the recliner in that corner. It's a bit too close to the gas heater where it's currently sitting.

So far I'm pleased with how the rearranging is going. I do look at all of my bins of tarot and oracle decks and wonder if they're really worth keeping. I've got 11. I wonder what I'd have to give up to wheedle it down to 5 or 6. It would mostly require getting rid of ones that were in larger boxes with larger books. Off the top of my head, those would be:

• The Green Witch Tarot
• The Mermaid Tarot
• The Tao Oracle
• The Weavers Oracle
• Tarot of the Hidden Realms
• Forest of Enchantment Tarot
• Herbcrafter's Tarot

4 of those are Llewellyn decks with soft cardstock, which I would miss. But I have to say that 4 of them are seldom to never used and one only serves one purpose. The one I'd most hate to lose is the Forest of Enchantment because it has such wonderful storybook images. But could they all be replaced by other decks already in my collection? Yes. Consolidating might eliminate one since there aren't many decks in the Missing Persons bin at the moment. I don't know how ruthless I'll eventually be but there's no need to make deck decisions at the moment. I really have very few possessions compared to most people.

I also took another box of books to the library and have another box of items to take to the Mission store, including some clothes.

Slowly but surely wheedling things down. I'll be glad when the big furniture items are gone.